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December 2007

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Dec. 20th, 2007

yukata

It's Done!

mood: :)
music: Beatiful World (Utada Hikaru)
The film's done! You can get it here.

It's also on Youtube, but the quality hardly compares to the full h264 version on MegaUpload. Go see, though, and leave a comment! :)

Posted at 11:21 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Dec. 9th, 2007

yukata

Strangers : The Final Project

mood: eeeeeek.


Yay! Status of my final project : shooting completed!
            
I would very much love to start cutting and editing already, except there are matters that call for prior attention, like essays and finals. GAH.
Back home final weeks of school were absolutely fun since there was never anything to do. Taking tests during the last few days is new to me....

I haven't come up with a title for the film yet, but it'll probably be Strangers, since the song I'm using for it has the same title. And I have this thing
for titles with only one word in them. Or insanely long titles. I like extremes. I have heaps of ideas in mind, including time-lapse photography (or,
at least, a faking of it since I'm not allowed to use moving footage) in the beginning and tons of superimpositions. I figure I might have to do a few
reshoots to get what I really want but I'm not too stressed out about it since I won't start editing till tomorrow anyway. So I have the whole of
tomorrow... after 12:15pm to shoot all I want. Please pray for me! And do continue to support me!




p.s. now that I've found out how much fun making films with still cameras can be, I just might continue doing that back home..........

Posted at 01:26 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 4th, 2007

yukata

(no subject)

My active blog is located here: http://gray-eider.blogspot.com
So do go there for updates and blah. I'm tired of copying posts there and pasting them here.
Thank you for um, dropping by :)

Posted at 04:36 pm | | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 11th, 2006

yukata

who needs you? i've got god.

music: Ebola - Sing Tee Chun Pen




Why's everyone seem to be blogging about friends all of a sudden?
Latest trend? PMS? Maybe fall's a very emo season?
June, Nadia, Kin Yan, Meng Jern, Julie, Prakash, Ali.

It's like everyone's out to get me. I knew the world was
a cruel place, but I never thought it'd be so bad.



Friends come, and friends go.
Moods swing up and down.
But God does none of that.

Friends come, and friends go.
With time I come to realise
that God is all I have
and that God is all I need.




And that's saying something.


Posted at 09:39 pm | | Leave a comment | 12 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 6th, 2006

yukata

selfish me loves him

music: Evanescence - Good Enough
You know, I manage a very SELF-ish blog. =) My entries are always about myself. Without a doubt. Why in the world would I want to waste my time blogging
about what other people did? If they want to remember the things they did, let them go and create their own blogs or diaries. This is my blog. What I see,
hear and feel throughout the day I record here. And more personal entries are saved as drafts, not published. This is my online diary.

I had a dream about him yesterday. Strangely enough, we (me and him and a bunch of other acquaintances) were checked in at the same hotel. He
saved me from a friend in my hotel room, and I was so overcome with all sorts of emotions that I burst into tears. He insisted I go to sleep, and assured
me that he would wait there until I went to sleep. I never did fall asleep. But when he thought I did, and whispered goodnight before getting up to
leave, I grabbed his hand tight. And in the corner of my eye a tear glistened.

In all my dreams lately I've been seeing myself in the third person. It's like I'm directing a movie about myself. It felt awkward at first, but I am familiar
with the point of view now. I have grown accustomed to seeing myself, as though I am a pair of invisible eyes somewhere in that vicinity, watching
every scene unravel. I am the camera lens, capturing and taking everything in.

Sometimes I see myself doing terrible things. And my dreams are so real that when I wake up in the morning, I can't seem to shake off the bad vibes
hanging around me. I look at my hands and think, "These hands did terrible things. I can't believe I still use them to shake hands and stroke little kids' heads."

The old split-personality syndrome is starting to act up again. My memories of my childhood have been altered to such a great degree that I cannot trust
what I remember. I know I cannot trust my memories. I don't know the truth anymore. All I've got is a completely fabricated childhood, one I know
is made up of lie after lie. And I'm too afraid to know what my real childhood was like. I don't want to shatter the images I so carefully sculpted.

But where university applications are concerned, there is no time for dual personalities. There is only one En that will get that place in NYU - and I know
which one. And unless I live the life of that En to the max, as the saying goes, I will not be a very whole person - in a sense.

Ahhhh, but it's such a chore! Insomnia 24/7 is not a good thing. I only had a few hours of sleep this morning, from about 3 am - 6 am. The night before I
got no sleep at all. I cannot seem to stop worrying about whether or not I'll be going to university.

Stupid infatuation! Stupid applications!

Academic stress aside - Yong Yong challenged me. Okay, personally I wouldn't call it a challenge, since it's pretty much what I've been meaning to do
anyway. She said this:

"Don't fall for anyone else for a year. Remain in your smitten-by-that-guy state till he comes back for the summer holidays and we'll know it's real."

It's fairly easy to continue loving someone who is generally very lovable. But to keep from having feelings for someone else - well, Yong's a smart girl.
Even without me having to tell her, she discovered the ONE thing that determines whether or not I fall for a person. Just one thing. You may be
thinking, then, "Aiyoh, one thing only, sure hard la!" but it's not a very uncommon one thing. =) Whether or not you can find out what is a different
matter altogether-lah.

But Yong laughed right before she put down the phone - because of what I said in reply: "Yong, I've never known anyone quite as nice-loh. And
before he came along, I had never agreed that anyone should be called The World's Best Boyfriend."

Yes. And now I know that there are some of you reading this, in whose minds something has snapped or a chord has been struck, who are now going,
"Oh my goodness!!! Is En serious!?" because you have just figured out who I have a crush on. =)

Dropping hints is nothing big. After all, hints or not, for some reason or other news about who I like always gets out without my knowing.

Posted at 06:45 pm | | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 3rd, 2006

anna

to be or not to be?

music: Enya - Angel
There is something distinctly joyful about going to church, even though you're supposed to take everything seriously - everything from the call to
worship to the sermon to the post-benediction hymn.

In church there are a host of people I don't usually meet every other day - a group of friends who, despite me not meeting them as often as I
do my schoolmates, I know will remain my friends for a very, very long time.

I grew up with Hannah. Back in Wesley MC's church nursery, she used to steal my pacifier. I would burst into tears and run all the way to the
sanctuary to look for my mother while Auntie Baby tried to calm me down and get my pacifier back from Hannah.

Then there was Matthew - intellectual but extremely naughty. He was the boys' ringleader, while I was the girls'. We didn't associate much;
rather, our "minions" did all the fighting, chasing and name-calling. Looking back, I laugh at how much we resembled modern-day gangsters.

Then Darryl came - stocky and four-eyed, with his pants pulled above his waist. Apparently we'd "known" each other since our KL Wesley
days, but back then we were so young we didn't know who we knew anyway. His mum taught our Sunday School class in EMC, and we always
got to play Bible games. His parents were from my Dad's care group too, and while the adults were downstairs studying the Scripture we'd be
upstairs pretending we were dogs in a dog-fight.

After that Shaun came, and interestingly enough, he was the only guy who was never shorter than me, as well as the only guy who could
outrun me - back then lah (now I've become flabby and slow). We'd spend what free time we had playing tag, and his sister, Sharlene, was
one of the most tomboyish creatures I'd ever met. She would kick her brother in the nuts if he annoyed her, and she absolutely loved tickling
and pinching people in the side.

Jacquelin came next - she was every little girl's idol. She was rich, outspoken and very fashionable. All we talked about were coloured pens
and the Spice Girls. We'd bring our Spice Girls CDs and booklets to church and sing along to a Discman after classes. Her brother Edwin was
pretty much a loner, since the guys were always picking on him.

Now Hannah is 18, and she is as tall and thin as ever. We constantly crack stupid jokes and poke fun at the other church's youth (especially
regarding their dress sense), and a year ago we made a deal that after I turn 18 and am old enough to get surgery done on me without my
parents' consent, I will have half my boobs taken out to be given to her. Hannah is flat-chested. I am the opposite.

Matthew is now in New Zealand, doing God-knows-what. He left a few years back and changed his e-mail address without telling me. I wonder
what he looks like now. I wonder if he's taller than me. I wonder if he speaks with a Kiwi accent. I miss his sarcastic drawl, and his ever-sharp
wit. I miss laughing about the stupidity of our nation's politicians with him.

Darryl is now a Physics major in Cambridge University. For some reason, little boys who wear heavy-rimmed glasses and pull their pants up
real high always grow up to become... well, scholars. He's not the lanky, geeky Darryl he once was. Aikido buffed him up, and after two years
in Cambridge he's developed a way with the girls. =)

And now Shaun's back after a few years of absence from church, but we don't talk much. I still tease him and call him Shaunie; he teases
me and calls me Ernie. We don't hang out so much anymore, not like years back when we used to go to each other's houses regularly to play
video games - but when we start talking, it's like our friendship never took a break.

Jackie is in Australia, smoking her life and her brother's away. Ever since the time she ratted on me to my mother because I lost a few of her
coloured pens, I've never liked her. Edwin, on the other hand, was a much treasured friend - while he was still here, at least. He was exceptionally
nice to me in Japan, and even nicer when we got back. It's  too bad he's in Australia too - and becoming more and more like his sister.

Of course, there are plenty of other people who came a little later - Melinda, who is pretty much my best friend from church. I missed her a
LOT during the two years she was in Sri Lanka. Next year we'll both be going to the States to study, except she'll be going to the South (she
prefers warmer climates) and I will likely be going to the North cuz I want SNOW, dammit. Siiighh. We've never argued. We've laughed and
cried and badmouthed together. What more could you ask of a friend?

There's Meng Kheng too, who you can always count on to toss in something lame at the wrong time. He's nice sometimes, though, and he
listens to your problems... although he always likes to think he's infallible. But he makes a really nice bolster. And he thinks I make a lovely
armrest (well, everyone thinks so, actually - I'm really the church's common armrest).

Four more weeks, and Darryl will be back in Cambridge. Just a year more, and Melinda and I will be gone. Today, as I went home, I thought
of what Keat Lin told me over the phone: "I know la you want to leave badly. I know this place is a dump. But there are good things here
too, like the friends you made over the past decade... so before you start cheering about leaving, think about all you're leaving behind,
and if your friends feel the same way."

Is anyone going to miss me when I'm gone?

Not likely. I mean, they all left before me. Most of my close friends are already overseas.
They won't miss me more than already do (if they do) if I fly elsewhere.

I thought about any meetings I might have had with my friends recently. Mei Yee's farewell party, and how I asked her, "Eh, Mei Yee, did you
go for School Leavers' Camp?" and how she answered incredulously, "Girl! I was your room mate!" and burst out laughing. Dinner with Mel, Darryl
and Fatty - how Fatty just couldn't figure out how to eat his sandwich, and how Mel and I kept squabbling over the way we divided the steak.
Lunch with Kin Yan, which involved a lot of awkward silences. To Fish & Co and a movie with Nis and Kou - the meaningless conversations
that resulted in a lot of laughter (really, I don't remember what we talked about).


Okay okay. I'll stop lah. This reminds me of the time before I went to Nagoya. I was making a lot of soppy speeches and bawling about how
much I'd miss everyone, even though there were three months to go. And at the same time, I was immensely happy. Happy to leave this place,
to be free of my parents' nagging, to be... well, let out of my cage.

I think it has to do with what I said about myself before: I live for the future.

I'm looking at the future. My future has no roti canai or pan mee. No riding in an Audi A6 to school. No weekly piano classes with Miss Jayam. No
Emmanuel Methodist Church. No monkey-bar-climbing at STM. No Mooncake Festivals. No hong bao giving or receiving. No "En, you're in
the band this Sunday". No ISU. No "WIIIIIINNNNGGG HOOOOOHHHH!!!". No Hannah, Darryl, Melinda, Nisita, Sue Jan, Wilson, Gary, Daryl, Kourosh
or Wei Shiarn.

And all of a sudden, my future seems so bleak and so lonely.

And I wonder, why in the world am I happy about it?

Posted at 06:57 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 21st, 2006

yukata

re-enactment of hachikuro

music: Goo Goo Dolls - Can't Let Go
My reaction after watching the super-short but super popular promotional ad for the Hachikuro movie can be summed up like this : "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa." Really, now. I am big on anime, and even more big on anime-turned-live-action-movies. The fact that Hachikuro is high on my list of must-reads and must-sees just served to excite me all the more.

Then, reaction after finally watching the movie : "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Okay, so it wasn't a great movie in the sense that it didn't stay particularly true to the original storyline. But disregarding the manga and anime, Hachikuro as a standalone movie was pretty good. The acting wasn't bad (except for Takemoto looking like a retarded fool) and I especially loved the BGMs - obviously, since Kanno Yoko composed them.

And weeks after the release of the movie, my reaction after watching the making of Hachikuro : "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" Admittedly, I am a sucker for trailers, ads and making-ofs, especially if they're of anime live action movies I like. You'd be surprised how much bigger an impression a trailer can make compared to a full-fledged, two-hour long film.

This morning, on the way to school I toyed around with the idea of making a film that employed bits and pieces of the plots in Hachikuro, Ichigo 100%, Suzuka and Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu. Ideas strung themselves together, like the fibre of wool coming together to form a woolly string.



I thought about artists, tears, dreams, friends and laughter.


I thought about blood-stained shards of glass.


I thought about empty canvases sitting in dark rooms.


Now I've got something pretty good in mind, but whether or not it will come to be is the question I have yet to answer. I'm going to need dedicated cast. Good equipment. Dogged commitment to my project. Most of all, strength from the Lord - because I believe that every undertaking, no matter how small, needs God's proper officiating. =)

Posted at 06:42 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 6th, 2006

one

hug me, pleeeez

mood: fucked up bad.
What's wrong with me!?

I've never been this messed up before. It's like my tear glands are all swollen and producing tears non-stop. God, I couldn't even tell Kin Yan what was wrong with me!!! I'm a f*cking wreck!!!


God, please. Someone, please. Just give me a hug or something.

Posted at 06:54 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 4th, 2006

yukata

salsa & cheese

mood: *tee-hee*
music: Michelle Branch - All You Wanted
There are times when you think you know your friends well... when little happenings that take place suddenly prove otherwise. Today, Montaray, Ali and Gabriena came to my house to record the Never Cry Book radio show, another one of Mr Tan's twisted assignments.

First we had to get a cab. Gab and Montaray fabricated all manner of white lies as we tried to get the cabbie to take us to 1 Utama for twenty ringgit (he insisted on twenty-three, but last time Uncle Victor drove me there for twenty).


Gab : Uncle, cannot lar uncle, we don't have money!

Mon : Ya, uncle, we can only pay five ringgit each.

Gab : We're really poor students, uncle!

Cab : Poor!? Poor students where can afford to study here lah?

Mon : Really la, uncle, really miskin.

Gab : Ya, uncle, today no money, only can pay twenty ringgit...

ODE : Not enough allowance lah uncle...


Even I was flabbergasted. Montaray slammed the door in the cabbie's face, and when we walked off, he honked at us, so we walked back, and he said he'd take us to 1 Utama for 20 ringgit (taxi ride, GET!!).

We had lunch at DOME, and judging by how Ali acted, it was obvious he wasn't used to eating in places like that. He asked Gabriena and I, "You sumer biase makan kat tempat cam nie ke?"

I said, "Ha? You mean hari-hari?" to which he nodded, and I quickly said, "No-lah! Cam tu sure bankrupt lah. Once in a while only..." It was actually quite funny. Gabriena and I ordered a Caesar salad each (we found out that we have so much in common!) and Ali told the waiter, "Um, the same!" and Gabriena piped up, "No, guys don't eat Caesar salads!"

This left Ali looking really confused. So I asked him, "You prefer chicken or beef?" He said he'd like chicken, so I ordered a chicken & mushroom pie for him. While all this fuss was going on a raging debate was taking place in Montaray's mind - Gabriena and I had both offered to pay for his meal, and he couldn't decide if he should take up the offer or not. Finally, he decided not to eat. He had some weird concoction called Mocha Loca, which tasted quite like Milo with too little sugar.

The ride home set us back RM5.50. Once we were in we set our things down and began recording.

It was HILARIOUS. I thought it would be a long and boring process, but judging by the amount of laughter that erupted from our little crowd, and the number of times I doubled over from a stitch in my side... ha ha.

We had to flee the room once Dad got back. While waiting for Malik, Gab's driver to come pick her and the boys up, we sat around in my room, indulging in comics, emo talk sessions and teasing Montaray. For first-timers to my house, Gab and Montaray sure warmed up to the place pretty quickly, that is to say, they plopped themselves down on the mattresses instead of sitting on the floor like most people do when they come into my room for the first time.

Apparently I have a very happening room, and a cool sleeping area. I don't see anything great about sleeping on a bunch of thick mattresses on a platform, but Montaray said, "Man, I wish I had a bed like this!" Gab found it very practical. That last bit is true.

They left at around 9 pm. We had an awesome bonding session, no doubt. It'd be fun to have them over again... just to hang out and talk.



A memento of the day's events... (listen if you want) : The Bombay Salsa Commercial.

Posted at 06:36 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jul. 1st, 2006

yukata

DOWN WITH THE MANNSCHAFT!!!

mood: grrrrr!!!
music: Alicia Keys - Fallin'
Boo hoo hoo!!!

I am beyond inconsolable.
Today I am sad. For the next few days I will be enveloped in gloom for several reasons...

+ Pekerman's BAD decisions - taking the main man, Riquelme, off and playing Cambiasso in his place; replacing Crespo with Cruz when he had an array of talents before him (Messi, Aimar and Saviola); and playing Franco as goalkeeper instead of Lux or Ustari.
+ Abbondanzieri's injury, sustained when #@$%^# Klose crashed into him... which led to Klose's equaliser half an hour later.
+ all the yellow cards and fouls the referee (Lubos Michel) issued to the Argentinean players VERY unfairly
+ Franco's failure to save Argentina in the penalty shootout (he fell for two feints, ARGH!!!)
+ Sorin's double yellow card
+ not having been able to watch darlings Messi and Aimar (my two favourite players) play


Did you see how fast Tevez was running yesterday? He was moving twice as fast as anyone else on his team. I was a little pissed off that the Albiceleste were moving so languidly, but after Ayala's goal (after a trademark series of passes that seemed to go on forever), I was convinced that the players were doing the right thing. Then my eyes were opened and I saw the beauty of South American football (which was very much apparent in the thrashing of Serbia & Montenegro).

And then Klose had to go and crash into Abbon. He should've been yellow-carded for that. There were several instances where I believe the German players should have been issued yellow cards immediately, but they were let off with a whistle. The Argentineans were unfairly refereed. When my dad said, "Haish. Typical lah. All this Argentineans - they all play dirty," I let out a huge yell.

Michael Ballack - you will pay for provoking Tevez. Schweinsteiger, you too will pay for fouling Sorin and making it look like it was the other way round. And you too, Friedrich, and Klose, and Lahm, and Odonkor, and everyone of you playing for the German side. Down with the Mannschaft! (Is that what they're called, or is the name longer than that?)

Oh, and if you haven't been keeping up with the news, Pekerman's quit. Fine, so he made a couple of REALLY bad calls yesterday (that led to the heartbreaking defeat of Argentina's best side in over ten years), but he's still a really good coach, in my opinion. He led Argentina to three Fifa World Youth victories, and thanks to his coaching, Argentina made it all the way to the quarters instead of getting kicked home like they did in 2002. He was the one who brought in a whole bunch of FIFA Youth players to the national team. He gave us the splendid opportunity to watch talents like Aimar, Messi, Tevez, Rodriguez and Saviola.

I wonder who Argentina's next coach will be. I wonder how Argentina will perform under him. I hope he realises that even though South American football is all about passing and moving around to create space, Argentina needs to move a lot faster than they have been doing if he's going to help them win the next World Cup. I pray that if Germany win the World Cup (though I pray for this not to happen), Lehmann will continue to shine for Arsenal by not conceding any goals.

I wonder what'll become of the Albiceleste once Abbon and Sorin are gone because of old age. I wonder if Messi will get more playing time to show off his skills. I wonder what sort of hairstyle Tevez will don next time. I wonder if Aimar's married. I wonder if Rodriguez realises that he and Tevez look like twins, when they have the same hairstyle.

Sighhhh. I need a drink. I need another Argentinean fan to talk to. SOMEONE!!! ANYONE!!!

Posted at 05:13 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

May. 7th, 2006

yukata

why i think i suck

location: home sweet home
mood: boo hoo hoo
music: 伊東ゆな - ENDLESS STORY
Karen always says excuses are stupid.

So take what I said in my previous post as a stupid excuse, and start hurling all sorts of insults (that you really mean, of course) at the pictures I took. Constructive criticism builds confidence and character (wow, that's a lotta C-words in one sentence), and encouragement makes potential strengths go a long way. There have been a few people I met in the past who have greatly encouraged and changed me in different ways - one taught me how to have a positive outlook on life, one brought me to smile more, one taught me to have an even firmer hold on what I strongly believe in (this is subjective - it has both pros and cons), and one taught me how to choose my friends wisely. And one more is still trying to teach me that above all, it is you who makes you you.

I know it sounds simple and cliched, but the way I see it, there is a much deeper, more profound meaning behind that statement. For as much as we understand that we are masters of our own decisions, we must readily admit that we are swayed by the influence of others, as a reed is shaken violently with each gust of wind. Sorry if this sounds a little over-poetic - I don't really know what I'm saying. There is something I want to get across but I'm having a lot of difficulty putting it down in words. So forgive me. Contrary to the reed-in-the-wind analogy, however, I am not so easily influenced by what others say (feedback from certain people are exceptions) but I have had for a long time a very negative mindset. And this is what is preventing me from moving forward.


I influence myself too easily.

Posted at 03:32 pm | | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

May. 1st, 2006

yukata

how y'all been

location: in my room
mood: grrrrr!
music: Lifehouse - You And Me
It's been a trying, tiring three days for me. Once in Form 4, I attempted to go two whole days without sleeping - I was mugging for a final exam - and ended up sitting for a Chemistry paper with dark, black rings under my eyes and a noticeable air of sleepiness. That evening I went home, plonked myself on my mattress and went to sleep almost immediately. I didn't wake up till the next morning, and by then it was too late to cram for the Biology paper. I got Ds for both papers.

On Friday, after Nisita and Amir left, I got to work on the layouts for the CIMP album. Barely twenty minutes passed before I got a call from Chwen Yang, who wanted my help with a project he was doing. Gadzooks. I had to write an essay on the downsides of being a female. I was pretty bogged down with work to do, but I obligingly agreed to it anyway, and spent the next 60 - 100 minutes writing that essay. Short and simple - I kept telling myself that, but what I sent to Chwen Yang was a 2000-word essay. *shrug*

I was up till around 4 am, doing what people say all women do best - multi-tasking. I had Wei Shiarn's essay to correct, articles to write for the yearbook, promotional videos to edit (for Hizuguri), layouts to create and songs to compose. Wei Shiarn's essay had to come first, of course. I think I've corrected about ten essays to date. I'm tired. This editing business is sickening - but only because the essays I received had signs of zero IQ countless grammatical errors in them. I don't mean to say that I can write a hundred essays without going wrong anywhere - but hey, I don't write one essay and go wrong everywhere.

Some essays were written in reasonably good English... but lacked content. All the essays I was asked to edit stayed true to this inference - English proficiency, inversely proportional to thinking skills. I am annoyed because I used the term inversely proportional in my previous post, but... oh well, for lack of another word (not a better word, because here I can't even think of another term that means the same thing, that this can be compared to).

Correcting essays gives me a splitting head-ache. But I still do it because I feel I am obliged to help my classmates and boost their progress. If no one makes those corrections, how will they know whether they're right or wrong?

Yet, it is precisely for that reason that I do not want to be an English teacher. Ever.

Yesterday, no, today, I went to bed at 6 am and got up at 8 am. I dozed off during Bible class, and fell asleep again during Chee Leong's sermon, even after having energetically played the piano for P & W.

It's already the 1st of May and my essay is still unfinished. I sent it to Li-Ann in the evening, and she unmercifully ripped apart every single, carefully thought out argument I had. I felt so bad I cried. Yesterday Mr Tan pointed out that editing a lot of essays granted me an advantage over the other students. He refused to agree with me when I said, "I am a lousy writer." That made me *sort of* want to believe in myself a bit more. Fine. Maybe. But after today's great butchering...

Egad, I don't even feel like writing the essay anymore.



... because truthfully, I never know what to think of my writing. I may write something and smile while doing it, pleased with my words - but once I'm done with the whole thing, I read it again and think, "Argh, I did a horrible job. I butchered my own essay!!!" In secondary school, I fooled my teachers with fancy words and Pratchett-style writing, but I highly doubt Mr Tan is as gullible as those under whose tutelage I was before. Just yesterday he told me that my essay on the death of manliness wasn't my best essay. Instinctively, I responded by asking him which of my essays was the best. He said, "Yet to come."

Then Jun SMS-ed me to say that he didn't pick my promo-poster for Hizuguri. He said it was too black, and that he was sick of the colour black. He also said that the drawing wasn't classy enough... and reeled off a looooong list of complaints. I don't normally feel as though it's the end of the world when I get reprimanded or criticised, but if I'm being criticised in everything I do at a point in time, it gets to be too much. Criticism that comes from people whom I really, really look to please hurts all the more.

That's why my working speed hasn't been at its usual pace this year. I've been slow in coming up with posters for Hizuguri. My hands have been writing essays laggardly. My brain has been working at one-tenth of the speed it used to.

... and that's why I've been getting really upset each time someone has something bad to say about the stuff I do - my piano-playing, my graphics-editing, my CG-ing, my after-school activities, my manner of speech, my writing, my... everything.

The question is not about who I am, but why I am. Why is this happening to me?

It doesn't help that there are people who think the Editorial Board should be allowed to vanish into nothingness; that trying to revive Malaysia Praise Orchestra is a waste of time; that film studies is stupid; that Open Canvas is for suckers.

My mind is now swamped with all sorts of thoughts, my heart full to bursting with a whole bunch of emotions. I can't even think straight! I don't know when I should say please, and I don't know what merits a thank you. I can't tell a compliment from an insult. I don't know if I should see things Mr Tan's way or Li-Ann's way. It's hard to argue back when the one complaining is a student of the National University of Singapore, a Silverfish : New Writing contributor and a winner of many writing competitions. Then again, it is also hard to go against your own English teacher, especially if he holds a Master's degree.


I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!!!



So many things bothering me and moving me towards the edge of my cliff. But what bugs me more than anything is this whole writing business. When have I ever said I hate writing? Never. But as I spoke to Li-Ann online and she delivered another of her long, philosophical-in-nature speeches, I just died. Everything died. My essay died. As I scanned through my essay once more, I thought, "This has got to be the worst essay ever."

So I'm back to square one - I'm just fooling everyone - you and all the other readers. None of my essays are good - they just look good on the surface. I thought I was on the right track; that I was finally getting around to writing proper essays - but someone obviously didn't think so.


My answer to the question, "Why do you write?" ... is, "I don't know."




* I'm such a selfish little prat.

** WTF. I wrote this in 17 minutes.

Posted at 08:58 pm | | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jan. 15th, 2006

yukata

i have shifted

mood: work work!
music: 浜崎あゆみ - Alterna
Sorry to not have informed you of my switch back to Blogspot. I abandoned my old Blogspot blog for a while, and I decided some time ago to return to it because I preferred its layout. In other words, this LJ will henceforth become... well, dormant. Inactive. I may post stuff here occasionally, but not for any particular reason. Maybe for testing and stuff.

Visit my new blog at gray-eider.

Posted at 11:14 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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